To a Cat

She was a Maine coon cat, so of course she was named Kittery, after the town in southern Maine. We adopted her many years ago from a dear friend who had this habit of taking in stray animals of numerous species. She was doubtless the smallest of her breed, and distinctly anti-social even for a cat. We realized early on that even her plaintive meows for attention did not guarantee that she wouldn't immediately run and hide when attention was paid. Hence, we called her "skittery Kittery," and learned to wait until she would come to us.But then, all cats are instinctively narcissistic, which makes their gestures of affection all the more precious.
Not everybody is a cat person. Some prefer dogs or some other animal. Some don't want any pet, finding the responsibility, the obligation, too much of a burden or an obstacle in a busy life, I have had many cats in my life, all the ways to childhood, and I am with Mark Twain, who wrote, "A house without a cat may be a home, but how can it prove its title?"
During recent days, she had become thin, even gaunt. A visit to the vet told the worst: a tumor that was preventing her from getting any nutrition from the food she ate. Remedies such as surgery or even chemotherapy were expensive and questionable for a cat of her age. Finally this morning she died peacefully and we will bury her in the yard.
Whether it be cat or dog or any other pet, the owner receives an unconditional regard. No matter the type of person you are, no matter how things have been going in your life, a cat purring in your lap seems healing in some way. (The same is true in a different way with dogs; that is why those comfort dogs went to Newtown.) And each pet becomes a member of the family of a sort. In fact, some people are able to relate to their cat or dog but not to other people. Studies have shown that elderly people actually benefit from adopting a pet.
Yes, we have other cats, who both seem to wonder what happened to their companion. and to carry on as if nothing had. But we still feel the loss and will take some time to grieve.
Resquiescat in pacem, Kittery.

Now What?

Many may not understand where I am coming from on this. They might well hate it! But somebody has to introduce that horse on the billiard table (to coin a new metaphor).
First of all, and most importantly, many condolences to the family, friends, neighbors and all others impacted by the tragedy in Newton. While I have never been inside that building, there was a time when I drove by it on a regular basis. One of the local pastors is a dear friend. To my knowledge, I had no contact or connection direct or otherwise with the people involved, although my wife works in the academic field and this has been a deep source of sorrow for her. Me too.
But I find myself becoming more and more impatient and frustrated with the public reaction. The vigils, the instant memorial shrines, the prayers and rituals are well and good. People need an opportunity, a venue, to cry and show their grief. The difficulty is that too many stop there.
Very cautiously- too cautiously!- we are dealing with the deeper issues of this tragedy. Yes, pray, sing, chant, speak the comforting word, but something of this scope and nature demands something more, something concrete to make sure it never happens again! Not the inane suggestions that some have already blurted out- yes, you, Ann Coulter!- about arming the school staff, or making sure that a particular kind of religion be preached in schools so that no other person would do something like this- thank you, Rev. Huckabee, we'll get back to you!
In the personal field,when we lose a loved one, friends flock around. One of the more foolish things people say to you at funerals is: If there's anything I can do... Of course, if you were to call on them for help days later, I doubt anyone would offer more than excuses.
When a trauma of this size and type hits us, the best way of dealing with it still may be calling upon our support network (religious community, family, neighbors) but also finding the WHY? and the NOW WHAT?
It does no one any good to continue in a state of loss and grief. After a tragedy of this type, everything seems chaotic. What we had been expecting for our lives, consciously or not, is gone. So we need to deal with what has actually happened and learn how to start our lives over again. That way, we can begin to feel in control of our world again.
Such need to be thought through, of course. People can plunge into all manner of foolish, dangerous and even life-threatening behavior in the aftermath of such a trauma. (That's how we ended up in Afghanistan and Iraq after 9/11.) But there are obvious issues that we have been avoiding: gun control, mental health coverage. Other issues may come to mind once we are able to think more clearly.
Let's not stop with our prayers and kind words. Let's ask: now what?

Too much of a good thing

Well, that version of Murphy's Law is all too true: If you explain something clearly, concisely and simply, someone will completely misunderstand!
See, someone had posted something on Facebook, nemind what, ain't pertinent, and I made a comment in response. Which in turn got him upset and he posted a comment. So I responded by posting an explanation of what I originally intended to say. And he in turn got more defensive both denying any responsibility for the original post and at the same time defending it. Oh, it was a glorious mess, ending in apologies from both of us and the mutual recognition that open dialog just ain't possible in that way.
But what I carried away from this tempest in a teapot (to use an archaic idiom) was twofold: Never put anything on public media (like Facebook) what you wouldn't want right out visible on the public square.  Pissing contests are never a becoming spectacle.
And second: People can get really, really, really uptight about personal beliefs. Especially if said beliefs are kind of out there, not generally accepted.
Yes, we all have our own distinctive faith structure, the stuff that gives meaning to our lives. When anyone challenges those beliefs, we can either consider things calmly and discerningly, or we can become defensive and belligerent. Of course, none of us is sure to react one way or the other, depending on what is challenged. But if we can stop and try to be aware of those things we believe in which are likeliest to trigger a negative response, we might learn something about ourselves.
The things I get defensive about are those things which seem too extreme, too rigid, too certain. The three most important words are "I don't know." When someone tells me that such-and-such is The Answer. I try to consider that with an open mind. But if it becomes apparent that an open mind is not welcome, I have to wonder at the validity of that Answer.
G.K.Chesterton, that great Christian apologist (and mystery writer) once said, "Doubts are the ants in the pants of faith." Remember, it was Doubting Thomas who was the first disciple to proclaim the risen Christ as "My Lord and my God."
So your beliefs about finding "proof" for this or that element of faith may be quite interesting. But please excuse me if I don't immediately embrace it as being as certain as you take it. I am not questioning your faith. I may be questioning the way you express your faith: too open and closed, too definite. Too much of a good thing.

One Big Happy...

"But isn't every family somewhat dysfunctional?" she asked.
"Yes," I equivocated, "and no."
As Tolstoy pointed out, happy families may be all alike, but unhappy families are unhappy each in their own way. Even so, there are certain signs common to dysfunctional groups,  certain things that children growing up in such an environment learn, even if never explicitly taught.
First, don't  think!
 If we stop and consider things carefully,we quickly see that things don't make sense! Of course, it is well-nigh impossible to consider things carefully when all around is chaos.  But we continue on with the status quo not because it makes sense, but because, well, it's what we've always done. Decisions, choices, actions taken impulsively without trying to think things out, all become the usual way we do things.
Granted, there are some who spend a lot of time and mental energy analyzing things, whittling nothing down to a fine point. But such might also be avoiding thinking, as they become so fixated on minutiae that they completely ignore the larger issues (woods/trees, if you get my drift.) Also, if one small detail can seem to be understood, then the rest of the whole can be tolerated no matter how crazy it actually is. Still, above all, don't think!
Second, don't talk!
 If you were to discuss your home-life with someone outside the family, you'd quickly discover that not every family is like yours. In fact, if you told your teacher or pastor or some other authority figure you trust how you actually got those injuries, those bruises, that person is required to report potential child abuse to the police. It can be difficult to comprehend that yelling and insults and serious physical discipline don't happen in other families, because people brainwash themselves into thinking that everything is just fine, he/she didn't really mean it, besides I really deserved it.
A corollary to don't talk is: don't invite anyone to the house!
Unexpected guests might see the mess, might hear the abuse, might tell someone. So the family become an isolated fortress. If the children want  to see friends, they go to their place. If a spouse wants to see someone, they pick a neutral place like a mall or a coffee shop. Don't let anyone see.
And: don't feel!
It is not uncommon to know people who are out of touch with their feelings for a variety of reasons. But when you grow up with only two acceptable feelings (anger and fear), then you learn not to feel anything at all. 'Cause it hurts!
Also, expressing feelings is a way of showing individuation and self-esteem. Abusive families are threatened by both; example A: "You're crying? I'll show you how to cry!" 'Nother words, when someone is confused with their own emotional state, any other expression of emotions cannot be tolerated and  must be repressed instanter.
Please understand: many families go through hard times and come out the other side. But if you have been reading the above and nodding sadly in recognition, know that there are ways to deal with those old wounds .

Sticks 'n' stones...

Big believer in freedom of speech, here. The first time I went to London, I made sure to visit Hyde Park Corner, that famous home of the right to free speech. (For those of you culturally deprived sorts in the audience, it is an unassuming part of one of the parks in London where anyone can get up and propound anything without hindrance.) Kind of a disappointment, actually. The few there who did express themselves were disorganized, rambling and obviously repeating the same old same old over and over and over. This was made even more apparent by those who were regular hecklers, so familiar with the various screeds that they could beat the speakers to the punchline of their meager jokes.
But then, free speech was never meant to be limited to the articulate, much less the coherent. And in a day when public discourse seems limited to an exchange  of insults like two children fighting in a playground, free speech has become like most things that are free; worth every penny.
I refer not just to those who disagree with my point of view (you worthless rapscallions you), but to those who seem to have lost the ability to disagree without being disagreeable. We have made public debate into a major contest where one side must not only seem more sensible but must obliterate any other point of view. Even worse, when one side loses, that means doubling down on the invective and calumny of the other side. After a sports game, the opposing teams shake hands in a show of respect for one another. After an election, the opposing parties continue to sling mud and act as if their side won.Like two children separated after a fight, threats and insults continue to fly futilely.
Difference does not threaten me, nor should it you. You have the right to say anything, even nasty things about me, no matter how mistaken or misguided you may be. As Voltaire never actually said, I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

Whose child is this?

Yes, I'm a parent. And one of the worst things that could happen to any parent would be losing a child.
That is why so many become so frantic when there is the potentiality of some authority stepping in and taking custody  of a child. Whether it be the Department of Children and Families (or whatever variation there is to  be found in your state) or a divorce court or someone who has determined that you aren't taking care of your kids, the feeling is the same: what can I do to get my child back?
Now it is an open secret that the good people at whatever state agency are often overworked, understaffed and even underqualified to handle the many situations that show up at their doorstep.
'Nother words, they don't always get it right (That's an understatement, that is!) But they do try to preserve the family unit, to keep siblings together, to set up the foster care arrangement with an actual family member, to give the parents every avenue possible to recover custody with all due speed.
Trouble is, those kids might end up back in the same old mess, mark II. The abusive, neglectful, unhealthy environment that lead to the loss of custody to begin with sneaks back in past all those good intentions, only now mom and/or dad have learned how to cover up.
Yes, there are cases where the authorities come charging in like a bull elephant on Black Friday, or where it takes so much time to sort things out that the child is well grown before the parents get custody back. But this is the delicate balancing act, between the good of the child and the rights of the parent. Of course, we all  would put more emphasis on the welfare of the child, but that doesn't take into consideration the impact from losing a parent at any age. (Won't go into all the horror stories of fostercare.) And if we focus on the parental rights, what do we do when that parent is putting the child in harm's way?
No matter how carefully we try to do this, there is going to be some hurt, some loss, some guilt. There will be parents who try to avoid such situations by running away. There will be children who are scarred just by the process. And there are no easy answers.

Fame V. Humility

It is an American ideal to be famous. Not even for this or that accomplishment, but at times just famous because, well, you're famous! (Kardashians, that's your cue!) People are willing to undergo all sorts of abuse, abasement and agony simply for a few moments of notoriety. even with a promise of such. We have no nobility as such in our country, but the people who have those fifteen minutes in the spotlight come close.
Of course, it is all so ephemeral and transient. Flip through those gossip mags of just a few months ago, and the chances are that most of the people therein are best summed up thusly: who? The few, the very few, who have maintained their place in the public eye through talent, determination and a well-paid publicity staff, these are the people who exemplify an American paradox: the endless quest for fame versus the virtue of humility.
Isn't that one of the consistent characteristics listed when an everyday person meets some superstar (an overused term, by the way)? He or she is just like you or me, even shunning the attention they so assiduously pursue. In fact, that's one of the things we both expect of our heroes and yet find scandalous if they prove vulnerable after all.
Maybe it is because we misunderstand what fame and/or humility really mean. Fame has come to be something we reach by our own stellar qualities, not something that happens when others come to see something worthwhile in us. In the same way, humility has gotten confused with humiliation, the idea being that we scuff our toes in the dirt and say, aw shucks, folks, it ain't nuthin'.
But in our multi-media world, no one can avoid those fifteen minutes of fame Mr. Warhol identified all those years ago. And in a life with more ups-and-downs  than a manic roller coaster,  we all are familiar with hitting bottom.
The important idea is not succeeding or failing, but what we do then.   Do we take up residence in Mr. Bunyan's Slough of Despond, or do we carry on some frantic pretense of fame as so clearly limned in Sunset Boulevard? Or do we just try to live the best life we can without seeking everyone's love and attention or dreading universal disapproval?
When we let others' approbation (or lack thereof) define us, we stop being who we are. As the old ballplayer put it, "Be who you is. 'Cause if you ain't, then you isn't who you is."