Family Rules

Every family has its own (usually unspoken) rules and expectations: Everyone gets up more or less at the same time, goes off to whatever activity (job, school, housework) they have taken on, and even if few families gather around a dinner table, bedtimes is usually the same. (What?! You mean your family didn't? I'm shocked, shocked!) We could spend much time compiling all the things that members of your family were expected to do. But I could guess with some certainty that members of any dysfunctional family had very similar rules, even though no one ever put them into words:
(1) Don't think
(2) Don't talk
(3) Don't feel.
Let me explain.
(1) Don't think.
Because, if you took a moment to think about your situation, you'd quickly realize that most of the time, things didn't make sense. In fact, things were pretty chaotic. What's more, everyone was expected to ignore that dead elephant in the middle of the living room. Whatever thinking took place went to coming up with rational-sounding explanations for what no one wanted to accept had happened (that's why they're called rationalizations.)
And if someone did dare to ask a question regarding this craziness, they were reprimanded or even punished. They were stigmatized as crazy themselves, or as troublemakers, or as cry-babies (mad, bad or sad in other words.) They may have even been told they should just keep quiet. Which brings us to the next Rule of Dysfunctional Families:
(2) Don't talk
In a society that idealizes personal privacy, it does not seem bad to have a family rule about keeping family affairs private. But we are going farther than that. Too often when someone is being abused by another family member, or someone in the family needs medical or psychological or legal help, the word goes forth: don't tell anyone!
So if a child has been abused, that child might grow to adulthood before daring to say anything about what happened. If a teacher asks about suspicious bruises, the child is quick to come up with any excuses possible ("I fell off my bike.") If police show up to investigate a spouse beating, too often the person who leaps first to the defense of the abuser is... right!
Sometimes this is because the abuser has told the victim, "Don't you tell anyone!" Sometimes it is because the others in the family were so flagrant in their disbelief that the victim gives up in futility. Sometimes, alas, the child is so young that the memory is too vague, or speaking for oneself is a moot point. The victim simply consigns herself to feeling emotionally numb in an important part of life. Which brings us to the next Rule of Dysfunctional Families:
(3) Don't feel
When the first feeling one can identify is painful, all feelings get shut down. Sure, we learn to act out certain feelings (anger especially), but letting ourselves feel vulnerable and caring is out of the question! So we develop a lack of trust toward others; our relationship are shallow, exploitative or explosive.
When the first people we should care about prove unreliable, untrustworthy or even uncaring, we learn not to put ourselves in that sort of position again. Or, conversely, we jump into relationship after relationship with anyone who makes a pretense of caring; when you don't know the Real Thing, your natural need for love grabs onto any facsimile.
Of course, showing feelings happens anyway. We cannot help it. But since we have accumulated a backlog of expressed feelings, they all tend to come tumbling out in a confusing and frightening way. That why it helps to have a professional (ahem!) at hand to provide a safe environment.