To a Cat

She was a Maine coon cat, so of course she was named Kittery, after the town in southern Maine. We adopted her many years ago from a dear friend who had this habit of taking in stray animals of numerous species. She was doubtless the smallest of her breed, and distinctly anti-social even for a cat. We realized early on that even her plaintive meows for attention did not guarantee that she wouldn't immediately run and hide when attention was paid. Hence, we called her "skittery Kittery," and learned to wait until she would come to us.But then, all cats are instinctively narcissistic, which makes their gestures of affection all the more precious.
Not everybody is a cat person. Some prefer dogs or some other animal. Some don't want any pet, finding the responsibility, the obligation, too much of a burden or an obstacle in a busy life, I have had many cats in my life, all the ways to childhood, and I am with Mark Twain, who wrote, "A house without a cat may be a home, but how can it prove its title?"
During recent days, she had become thin, even gaunt. A visit to the vet told the worst: a tumor that was preventing her from getting any nutrition from the food she ate. Remedies such as surgery or even chemotherapy were expensive and questionable for a cat of her age. Finally this morning she died peacefully and we will bury her in the yard.
Whether it be cat or dog or any other pet, the owner receives an unconditional regard. No matter the type of person you are, no matter how things have been going in your life, a cat purring in your lap seems healing in some way. (The same is true in a different way with dogs; that is why those comfort dogs went to Newtown.) And each pet becomes a member of the family of a sort. In fact, some people are able to relate to their cat or dog but not to other people. Studies have shown that elderly people actually benefit from adopting a pet.
Yes, we have other cats, who both seem to wonder what happened to their companion. and to carry on as if nothing had. But we still feel the loss and will take some time to grieve.
Resquiescat in pacem, Kittery.

Now What?

Many may not understand where I am coming from on this. They might well hate it! But somebody has to introduce that horse on the billiard table (to coin a new metaphor).
First of all, and most importantly, many condolences to the family, friends, neighbors and all others impacted by the tragedy in Newton. While I have never been inside that building, there was a time when I drove by it on a regular basis. One of the local pastors is a dear friend. To my knowledge, I had no contact or connection direct or otherwise with the people involved, although my wife works in the academic field and this has been a deep source of sorrow for her. Me too.
But I find myself becoming more and more impatient and frustrated with the public reaction. The vigils, the instant memorial shrines, the prayers and rituals are well and good. People need an opportunity, a venue, to cry and show their grief. The difficulty is that too many stop there.
Very cautiously- too cautiously!- we are dealing with the deeper issues of this tragedy. Yes, pray, sing, chant, speak the comforting word, but something of this scope and nature demands something more, something concrete to make sure it never happens again! Not the inane suggestions that some have already blurted out- yes, you, Ann Coulter!- about arming the school staff, or making sure that a particular kind of religion be preached in schools so that no other person would do something like this- thank you, Rev. Huckabee, we'll get back to you!
In the personal field,when we lose a loved one, friends flock around. One of the more foolish things people say to you at funerals is: If there's anything I can do... Of course, if you were to call on them for help days later, I doubt anyone would offer more than excuses.
When a trauma of this size and type hits us, the best way of dealing with it still may be calling upon our support network (religious community, family, neighbors) but also finding the WHY? and the NOW WHAT?
It does no one any good to continue in a state of loss and grief. After a tragedy of this type, everything seems chaotic. What we had been expecting for our lives, consciously or not, is gone. So we need to deal with what has actually happened and learn how to start our lives over again. That way, we can begin to feel in control of our world again.
Such need to be thought through, of course. People can plunge into all manner of foolish, dangerous and even life-threatening behavior in the aftermath of such a trauma. (That's how we ended up in Afghanistan and Iraq after 9/11.) But there are obvious issues that we have been avoiding: gun control, mental health coverage. Other issues may come to mind once we are able to think more clearly.
Let's not stop with our prayers and kind words. Let's ask: now what?

Too much of a good thing

Well, that version of Murphy's Law is all too true: If you explain something clearly, concisely and simply, someone will completely misunderstand!
See, someone had posted something on Facebook, nemind what, ain't pertinent, and I made a comment in response. Which in turn got him upset and he posted a comment. So I responded by posting an explanation of what I originally intended to say. And he in turn got more defensive both denying any responsibility for the original post and at the same time defending it. Oh, it was a glorious mess, ending in apologies from both of us and the mutual recognition that open dialog just ain't possible in that way.
But what I carried away from this tempest in a teapot (to use an archaic idiom) was twofold: Never put anything on public media (like Facebook) what you wouldn't want right out visible on the public square.  Pissing contests are never a becoming spectacle.
And second: People can get really, really, really uptight about personal beliefs. Especially if said beliefs are kind of out there, not generally accepted.
Yes, we all have our own distinctive faith structure, the stuff that gives meaning to our lives. When anyone challenges those beliefs, we can either consider things calmly and discerningly, or we can become defensive and belligerent. Of course, none of us is sure to react one way or the other, depending on what is challenged. But if we can stop and try to be aware of those things we believe in which are likeliest to trigger a negative response, we might learn something about ourselves.
The things I get defensive about are those things which seem too extreme, too rigid, too certain. The three most important words are "I don't know." When someone tells me that such-and-such is The Answer. I try to consider that with an open mind. But if it becomes apparent that an open mind is not welcome, I have to wonder at the validity of that Answer.
G.K.Chesterton, that great Christian apologist (and mystery writer) once said, "Doubts are the ants in the pants of faith." Remember, it was Doubting Thomas who was the first disciple to proclaim the risen Christ as "My Lord and my God."
So your beliefs about finding "proof" for this or that element of faith may be quite interesting. But please excuse me if I don't immediately embrace it as being as certain as you take it. I am not questioning your faith. I may be questioning the way you express your faith: too open and closed, too definite. Too much of a good thing.

One Big Happy...

"But isn't every family somewhat dysfunctional?" she asked.
"Yes," I equivocated, "and no."
As Tolstoy pointed out, happy families may be all alike, but unhappy families are unhappy each in their own way. Even so, there are certain signs common to dysfunctional groups,  certain things that children growing up in such an environment learn, even if never explicitly taught.
First, don't  think!
 If we stop and consider things carefully,we quickly see that things don't make sense! Of course, it is well-nigh impossible to consider things carefully when all around is chaos.  But we continue on with the status quo not because it makes sense, but because, well, it's what we've always done. Decisions, choices, actions taken impulsively without trying to think things out, all become the usual way we do things.
Granted, there are some who spend a lot of time and mental energy analyzing things, whittling nothing down to a fine point. But such might also be avoiding thinking, as they become so fixated on minutiae that they completely ignore the larger issues (woods/trees, if you get my drift.) Also, if one small detail can seem to be understood, then the rest of the whole can be tolerated no matter how crazy it actually is. Still, above all, don't think!
Second, don't talk!
 If you were to discuss your home-life with someone outside the family, you'd quickly discover that not every family is like yours. In fact, if you told your teacher or pastor or some other authority figure you trust how you actually got those injuries, those bruises, that person is required to report potential child abuse to the police. It can be difficult to comprehend that yelling and insults and serious physical discipline don't happen in other families, because people brainwash themselves into thinking that everything is just fine, he/she didn't really mean it, besides I really deserved it.
A corollary to don't talk is: don't invite anyone to the house!
Unexpected guests might see the mess, might hear the abuse, might tell someone. So the family become an isolated fortress. If the children want  to see friends, they go to their place. If a spouse wants to see someone, they pick a neutral place like a mall or a coffee shop. Don't let anyone see.
And: don't feel!
It is not uncommon to know people who are out of touch with their feelings for a variety of reasons. But when you grow up with only two acceptable feelings (anger and fear), then you learn not to feel anything at all. 'Cause it hurts!
Also, expressing feelings is a way of showing individuation and self-esteem. Abusive families are threatened by both; example A: "You're crying? I'll show you how to cry!" 'Nother words, when someone is confused with their own emotional state, any other expression of emotions cannot be tolerated and  must be repressed instanter.
Please understand: many families go through hard times and come out the other side. But if you have been reading the above and nodding sadly in recognition, know that there are ways to deal with those old wounds .