"What is truth?" Pilate asked, but would not stay for an answer.
People today accept some strange things these things, that's for sure! Heard today about an incident in a town near here with a man holding a big sign: "IF YOU WANT TO IMPEACH OBAMA, JOIN US!" There was, reportedly a crowd of people (although whether they were sympathizers, curiosity-seekers or protestors, I can't say.) The point here is not meant to be political (I'm inclined to think everyone has enough responsibility to go around, thank you very much!) Nor do I mean to be some sort of unthinking iconoclast, as though no one should believe in anything! (Some particular sets of doctrines, on the other hand, have to go! Where'd I put my hammer?)
No, the subject for today is belief. Ranging from those deep-set beliefs that give meaning to our lives and direction to our days to the passing trivia that we use as much for entertainment as for guidance, we all have things we hold fast to, things we take so for granted that we never have put them into words until someone confronts us with a contrary. We reach such beliefs from many stances: we are raised that way so we either go that way instinctively or we reject it out of our need for individual autonomy. Or we believe because the people (or one significant person) who matter to us believe that way. Or everyone around us follows a particular path, and we would rather not travel against traffic.Oh, we could go on and on: when the media around us consistently beat a particular drum, when our personal safety and comfort is challenged, when we are forced by our employer or community or authority figures to accept one set of beliefs, we make a decision (conscious or otherwise) to shift our perspective.
The interesting thing is this: the more recent the conversion, the more radical the way that belief is expressed. So many new citizens have a more rabid and rigid attitude toward the USA than many of us who kinda take it all for granted. Maybe it is the New-Love feeling; you know, that combination of euphoria and need to have everyone feel what you feel when you first find love.
But beyond that there is a new attitude about belief: our belief is right, yours is wrong. Which means your belief must be obliterated, and any suggestion that my belief is not perfect is evil! This is especially true regarding religious doctrines, but it shows up of late in politics, in personal relationships, even in such otherwise innocuous areas as baseball teams ('nother subject, 'nother time).
Because you do not believe what I believe, so what? So long as you have something to believe in, isn't that good enough? (And so long as your beliefs don't get in the way of my beliefs, uv cuss.)
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
How to Cross the Street
NOTE: This may be the first in issues that seem totally mundane and trivial.
People today, especially in larger cities, seem to have forgotten how to go from one side of a street to the other. Please pay attention. This will count toward your final grade.
(1) Seek out an intersection with a stoplight or a cross walk, commonly known as a "zebra." Cars must stop at the stoplight, and should stop at the crosswalk to let pedestrians past. To be sure, some motorists either run red lights or try to rush thru as the light begins to change. In the same fashion, some drivers ignore the crosswalk or see the pedestrians as fair game. But it is far safer than trying to run, scatter-pattern through traffic, or walking nonchalantly out into the street as if defying those automotive occupants of the road. Life has rules, some fair and some not, and we can choose to abide by them or not. but we must be willing to face the consequences one way or the other
(2) Move across the street as quickly as possible. Some people cannot go as quickly as others, and patience is advisable. Drivers who are in such a rush that they cannot wait for someone crossing a street might do well to examine why they are in such a hurry. Conversely, pedestrians need to be aware of how they are progressing across the street. When one leaves one side at a jog, such a pace should be maintained. Too often people start across in a sort of pseudo-run, get about half way across and slow down to a stroll the rest of the way.
People today, especially in larger cities, seem to have forgotten how to go from one side of a street to the other. Please pay attention. This will count toward your final grade.
(1) Seek out an intersection with a stoplight or a cross walk, commonly known as a "zebra." Cars must stop at the stoplight, and should stop at the crosswalk to let pedestrians past. To be sure, some motorists either run red lights or try to rush thru as the light begins to change. In the same fashion, some drivers ignore the crosswalk or see the pedestrians as fair game. But it is far safer than trying to run, scatter-pattern through traffic, or walking nonchalantly out into the street as if defying those automotive occupants of the road. Life has rules, some fair and some not, and we can choose to abide by them or not. but we must be willing to face the consequences one way or the other
(2) Move across the street as quickly as possible. Some people cannot go as quickly as others, and patience is advisable. Drivers who are in such a rush that they cannot wait for someone crossing a street might do well to examine why they are in such a hurry. Conversely, pedestrians need to be aware of how they are progressing across the street. When one leaves one side at a jog, such a pace should be maintained. Too often people start across in a sort of pseudo-run, get about half way across and slow down to a stroll the rest of the way.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Running Scared
There are times when people become not merely illogical, but downright unrealistic. Unfortunately, the times most likely are when a person has fallen deeply in love, when a person has had a spiritual experience and accepted a rigid set of beliefs, and when someone is badly anxious and scared. Such a person when faced with even the simplest everyday decisions will have difficulty knowing the best choice or in following through with such a choice. Second guesses, outright denials, wildly impractical schemes tend to be the result.
People in such a state are not stupid. In fact, if they stick their heads above the rim of their rut, they can see that what they have committed to makes little sense.
The illogical behavior of people in love we could find cute, even charming. Books, movies, television shows are built around just such foolish antics. The person acting out of fear may seem less endearing, although books and movies give them attention also. But it is the person whose faith, however valid, takes over, this is the one who tends to cause the greatest havoc, whether it be a radical Muslim, ultraconservative Jew or fundamentalist Christian. (Has anyone noticed the absence of radical Buddhists?)
There are people looking to lead this country whose belief systems are not so much about finding meaning for their own lives as forcing everyone else to behave in a certain way. One such has wandered into my sphere by having a husband whose clinic professes to have anti-gay conditioning Never mind that every reputable professional group has rejected this.Never mind that every study has shown it to be ineffective over the long run, if not ultimately damaging to the supposed clients themselves (there is a disproportionate number of suicides amongst those who were so treated.)
But this form of treatment has an amazing level of acceptance amongst the conservative Christian community. I can always tell when certain (anti-gay) evangelists have come through the area: I get calls from gay and lesbian young people panic-stricken about fitting their sexual orientation into their faith. And I have found, sadly, that telling these men and women that the facts show their sexuality cannot be changed any more that the color of their eyes has no effect. That preacher at that revival made them feel so bad about themselves that they aren't able to be rational about it(see above.)
Yes, they can work to accept themselves, to see all the God-given gifts they have.But when we are surrounded by family and others who condemn a person for being who they are, it is difficult to have the clear-headedness we need.
And it becomes even more difficult when important people in our community tell us we must behave in a particular way. We might condemn some ethnic cultures who dictate how a woman must dress. But do we frown upon groups in our own society who condemn women if they dress in a way we do not approve of? Standards of behavior, however artificial and ephemeral, tell us that men must behave this way and women that way. And when some does not, then what?
People in such a state are not stupid. In fact, if they stick their heads above the rim of their rut, they can see that what they have committed to makes little sense.
The illogical behavior of people in love we could find cute, even charming. Books, movies, television shows are built around just such foolish antics. The person acting out of fear may seem less endearing, although books and movies give them attention also. But it is the person whose faith, however valid, takes over, this is the one who tends to cause the greatest havoc, whether it be a radical Muslim, ultraconservative Jew or fundamentalist Christian. (Has anyone noticed the absence of radical Buddhists?)
There are people looking to lead this country whose belief systems are not so much about finding meaning for their own lives as forcing everyone else to behave in a certain way. One such has wandered into my sphere by having a husband whose clinic professes to have anti-gay conditioning Never mind that every reputable professional group has rejected this.Never mind that every study has shown it to be ineffective over the long run, if not ultimately damaging to the supposed clients themselves (there is a disproportionate number of suicides amongst those who were so treated.)
But this form of treatment has an amazing level of acceptance amongst the conservative Christian community. I can always tell when certain (anti-gay) evangelists have come through the area: I get calls from gay and lesbian young people panic-stricken about fitting their sexual orientation into their faith. And I have found, sadly, that telling these men and women that the facts show their sexuality cannot be changed any more that the color of their eyes has no effect. That preacher at that revival made them feel so bad about themselves that they aren't able to be rational about it(see above.)
Yes, they can work to accept themselves, to see all the God-given gifts they have.But when we are surrounded by family and others who condemn a person for being who they are, it is difficult to have the clear-headedness we need.
And it becomes even more difficult when important people in our community tell us we must behave in a particular way. We might condemn some ethnic cultures who dictate how a woman must dress. But do we frown upon groups in our own society who condemn women if they dress in a way we do not approve of? Standards of behavior, however artificial and ephemeral, tell us that men must behave this way and women that way. And when some does not, then what?
Monday, July 11, 2011
And Then What Happened?
When my daughters were young (never mind how long ago that was nevermindnevermind), there were some movies that had to be carefully previewed before screening for family. No, not for excessive violence or sexual content, although that of course. It's just that some stories could have a negative impact on young sensibilities: when Romeo and Juliet die, when Laurel and Hardy have difficulty getting that piano up the stairs, when that alligator stalked Kermit in the first movie (you remember, during the song Rainbow Connection). Otherwise, there would be tears and cries of "It wasn't supposed to end that way!"
Yes, as they grew older and were able to face the ups and downs of life, they were better able to handle Shakespeare and the Muppets. But we seem to have a sizable portion of the population that have difficulty with things not turning out the way they wanted them to, they don't get what they want, the dream turns out not to be real after all. And stomping collective feet or holding collective breath does not have the results they seem to expect. They try, anyway: a lot of elected representatives seem to be having the political equivalent of a temper tantrum.
Growing up means accepting the fact that things do not always turn out the way we expect. (Exhibit A: Class reunions. That guy or that gal chosen Most Likely to Succeed, uh, didn't.) Not only accepting that fact, but knowing what to do about it.
How many of us still look back to halcyon days when Life Was Good? (For some of us, that was longer ago than others.) And we suspect anything that might smack of today (or even, heaven forfend, tomorrow?) We make vainglorious attempts to turn back that clock, to make it as it never was except in our memory. Of course, that ideal when everyone was doing what we expected- nothing more-is not only unrealistic but also unattainable.
We need to stop trying to change the future into our past, to rewrite history that is yet unwritten. So our political point of view is not accepted by consensus, our faith is not in fact universal, our ethic/racial/sexual orientation is not deferred to as superior? So what?
It does not work to cry, "It shouldn't be that way!" Or to repress any alternative result than the one we want.
So life gave us lemons... Now how does that old saying end?
Yes, as they grew older and were able to face the ups and downs of life, they were better able to handle Shakespeare and the Muppets. But we seem to have a sizable portion of the population that have difficulty with things not turning out the way they wanted them to, they don't get what they want, the dream turns out not to be real after all. And stomping collective feet or holding collective breath does not have the results they seem to expect. They try, anyway: a lot of elected representatives seem to be having the political equivalent of a temper tantrum.
Growing up means accepting the fact that things do not always turn out the way we expect. (Exhibit A: Class reunions. That guy or that gal chosen Most Likely to Succeed, uh, didn't.) Not only accepting that fact, but knowing what to do about it.
How many of us still look back to halcyon days when Life Was Good? (For some of us, that was longer ago than others.) And we suspect anything that might smack of today (or even, heaven forfend, tomorrow?) We make vainglorious attempts to turn back that clock, to make it as it never was except in our memory. Of course, that ideal when everyone was doing what we expected- nothing more-is not only unrealistic but also unattainable.
We need to stop trying to change the future into our past, to rewrite history that is yet unwritten. So our political point of view is not accepted by consensus, our faith is not in fact universal, our ethic/racial/sexual orientation is not deferred to as superior? So what?
It does not work to cry, "It shouldn't be that way!" Or to repress any alternative result than the one we want.
So life gave us lemons... Now how does that old saying end?
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
How to Fight Fair
This is a continuation of sorts from the last, but if that doesn't leap immediately to mind (and why not!) that's okay (deep sigh!)
The paradox today is that we fight more and know less about fighting. We have this concept that conflict of any importance or magnitude requires total victory on our part and total humiliation, if not annihilation, on their part. The possibility that a person might be so secure in a sense of well-being that carving another notch on the gun isn't necessary, that is something alien to our current cultural standards. So when the president recognizes that our on-going wars in Afghanistan are meaningless and even futile, his efforts, however meager, to walk away, raise cries of "Where's the victory?" as though that had even been within reach.
Sorry, I got sidetracked. The subject here isn't fighting on a global scale, but in personal relationships (although the former tends to be the latter writ large.) Too often people come to me because they are in an on-going conflict where nothing is ever resolved and they don't know how to get out of this death spiral. Too often one member of a couple is out-going, vocal and only too ready to express feelings. The other person is quiet, withdrawn, even stoic. Oh, you know these people, do you?
So the script begins with some spark large or small that sets off an angry exposition of the issue on the part of Person No. 1. The response from Person No 2: uh, Person No. 2, are you there? No, going and watching television or going on a computer or going out drinking does not count as a response. In fact, it just causes an escalation with Person No. 1, who assumes that stating the case calmly and clearly (well, you know what I mean) hasn't worked, so repeat as often and as loudly as necessary. This causes further withdrawal and resentment by Person No. 2. Which in turn causes Person No. 1 to...well, you get the idea.
At this point there is a need for someone (discrete cough) to step in, take both people by their hands and show them how to fight.
No, we cannot pretend that there will never be some form of conflict. We can ignore the issues until things get to the point where both sides have dug in and things are too broke to fix. We can assume that peace and quiet is the same as peace. We can throw the whole out, baby, bathwater and all. We can spend the rest of our lives together being what I call "married singles," where each just goes on about their separate lives sharing a mailing address, a name and maybe the same bed, and nothing else.
So let me give you the Rules.
First, find a time and place where there will be no distractions or interruptions. Whether it be when other family is out of the house, or in bed, or chained in the basement (hey! I don't judge your parenting skills, okay?) make sure that neither is so preoccupied or giving so much mental energy to anyone outside the room. Turn off the cell phone! That's very important. (There would have been a time when you would have been told to take the phone off the hook, but plus ca change...) Of all modern noises, one of the most difficult to ignore is a phone. Also, turn off the IPod, the computer, the television. It will be there when you get done.
Second, know what you are fighting about. Make sure both of you are dealing with the same issue. In fact, make sure you know what the issue is. Right at the start, identify that issue, as clearly and concretely as possible. Otherwise, as Arthur Miller put it in one of his plays, you may not be fighting about what you're fighting about.
Then, stick to that subject. There will be other issues that come up, but bookmark them for future and stay on target. This will be tough, as there will be old stuff going way back that seem just too important (and importunate) to ignore, especially if one or the other of you feels defensive and looks for anything to divert the argument.
Third, no hitting below the belt. In any relationship, each person knows the vulnerable spots in the other, and in the flush of combat, such chinks in the armor seem too hard to ignore. But calling on such just escalates the conflict and diminishes the discussion. Well, figure it out yourself: the person you are supposed to trust the most has just used that trust against you. Whaddya gonna do? Right.
And a side bar on this rule. Don't hit below the belt but don't wear the belt around your neck. We can rule so much out-of-bounds that nothing can be dealt with. Or one person dismisses the issue as no longer valid: it took place just long enough ago, or the person had changed (no evidence of change, but never mind)or some sort of armistice had been declared on this subject. "I've moved on, what haven't you?"
Finally, don't expect a quick or easy resolution. It is all too easy once past that first anger to want to settle this quickly. Sure, some sort of peace treaty is advisable, but did you know how many wars are still unsettled. from conflicts with tribes of Native Americans to the Korean War; just cease-fires. Some questions, as the poet Rainer Maria Rilke put it, don't have answers; we just have to live the questions. In relationships, not all issues are settled the way they are on television- in half an hour to an hour, with time out for messages from our sponsor. Sometimes we have to accept each other, differences and all, and just learn to love the imperfection in another as we learn to love the imperfection in ourselves
The paradox today is that we fight more and know less about fighting. We have this concept that conflict of any importance or magnitude requires total victory on our part and total humiliation, if not annihilation, on their part. The possibility that a person might be so secure in a sense of well-being that carving another notch on the gun isn't necessary, that is something alien to our current cultural standards. So when the president recognizes that our on-going wars in Afghanistan are meaningless and even futile, his efforts, however meager, to walk away, raise cries of "Where's the victory?" as though that had even been within reach.
Sorry, I got sidetracked. The subject here isn't fighting on a global scale, but in personal relationships (although the former tends to be the latter writ large.) Too often people come to me because they are in an on-going conflict where nothing is ever resolved and they don't know how to get out of this death spiral. Too often one member of a couple is out-going, vocal and only too ready to express feelings. The other person is quiet, withdrawn, even stoic. Oh, you know these people, do you?
So the script begins with some spark large or small that sets off an angry exposition of the issue on the part of Person No. 1. The response from Person No 2: uh, Person No. 2, are you there? No, going and watching television or going on a computer or going out drinking does not count as a response. In fact, it just causes an escalation with Person No. 1, who assumes that stating the case calmly and clearly (well, you know what I mean) hasn't worked, so repeat as often and as loudly as necessary. This causes further withdrawal and resentment by Person No. 2. Which in turn causes Person No. 1 to...well, you get the idea.
At this point there is a need for someone (discrete cough) to step in, take both people by their hands and show them how to fight.
No, we cannot pretend that there will never be some form of conflict. We can ignore the issues until things get to the point where both sides have dug in and things are too broke to fix. We can assume that peace and quiet is the same as peace. We can throw the whole out, baby, bathwater and all. We can spend the rest of our lives together being what I call "married singles," where each just goes on about their separate lives sharing a mailing address, a name and maybe the same bed, and nothing else.
So let me give you the Rules.
First, find a time and place where there will be no distractions or interruptions. Whether it be when other family is out of the house, or in bed, or chained in the basement (hey! I don't judge your parenting skills, okay?) make sure that neither is so preoccupied or giving so much mental energy to anyone outside the room. Turn off the cell phone! That's very important. (There would have been a time when you would have been told to take the phone off the hook, but plus ca change...) Of all modern noises, one of the most difficult to ignore is a phone. Also, turn off the IPod, the computer, the television. It will be there when you get done.
Second, know what you are fighting about. Make sure both of you are dealing with the same issue. In fact, make sure you know what the issue is. Right at the start, identify that issue, as clearly and concretely as possible. Otherwise, as Arthur Miller put it in one of his plays, you may not be fighting about what you're fighting about.
Then, stick to that subject. There will be other issues that come up, but bookmark them for future and stay on target. This will be tough, as there will be old stuff going way back that seem just too important (and importunate) to ignore, especially if one or the other of you feels defensive and looks for anything to divert the argument.
Third, no hitting below the belt. In any relationship, each person knows the vulnerable spots in the other, and in the flush of combat, such chinks in the armor seem too hard to ignore. But calling on such just escalates the conflict and diminishes the discussion. Well, figure it out yourself: the person you are supposed to trust the most has just used that trust against you. Whaddya gonna do? Right.
And a side bar on this rule. Don't hit below the belt but don't wear the belt around your neck. We can rule so much out-of-bounds that nothing can be dealt with. Or one person dismisses the issue as no longer valid: it took place just long enough ago, or the person had changed (no evidence of change, but never mind)or some sort of armistice had been declared on this subject. "I've moved on, what haven't you?"
Finally, don't expect a quick or easy resolution. It is all too easy once past that first anger to want to settle this quickly. Sure, some sort of peace treaty is advisable, but did you know how many wars are still unsettled. from conflicts with tribes of Native Americans to the Korean War; just cease-fires. Some questions, as the poet Rainer Maria Rilke put it, don't have answers; we just have to live the questions. In relationships, not all issues are settled the way they are on television- in half an hour to an hour, with time out for messages from our sponsor. Sometimes we have to accept each other, differences and all, and just learn to love the imperfection in another as we learn to love the imperfection in ourselves
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