Among the many interesting things that show up on Facebook lately is a nostalgic game, where some obscure object or person is captioned, "Who/what is this? Click 'Like' if you know." The people are mostly old television personalities; the objects can be everything from a potato masher to a boot scraper. They are from the era of the baby-boomers (my people).
Two reactions: some people have way too much time on their hands (but then, they're on Facebook, so isn't that a given?) At the same time, it is interesting that so many have become so fascinated in things of the past. Call it nostalgia, call it escapism, call it a resistance to change; it is still living today while remaining fixated on yesterday.
And not just any memory, but those good ones where we knew what would happen next. The painful ones, the losses, the difficult times, they are glossed over as we luxuriate in the comfortable times when everything was just fine.
The problem with these Good Old Days is that they never really existed. Our memories of growing up have been carefully edited by our minds to tone down the painful moments, to forget the failures, to make each of us the star, the hero of our particular life story. Yes, there may have been times in our past when things seemed simpler, choices were easier, and worry was not really an option. But those were days when we simply didn't know how complex, how challenging life could be. When we had grown-ups to take care of us, when we had a world bound only by getting through the day.
We didn't know, and wouldn't have cared if we did know, about people living during those same Good Old Days whose experience would not be anything to look back upon fondly. The people of color who wouldn't be served at some of those soda fountains we remember. The low income people who couldn't afford that television set to watch the programs we remember. The children whose family was a place full of shouting and physical abuse rather than the place full of love and care we remember.
Yes, we can draw strength and comfort from our memories when today becomes difficult. But we have to make sure that we don't make yesterday, a yesterday that may never have been, preferable to today. Things may not be the way they used to be, but then they never were.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
Forget It
More and more doctors have begun a reminder practice. Assuming that clients need that little nudge (which is too often necessary), they have a policy of calling the day before an appointment to remind someone of the appointment time the next day. Yes, some of us never did have the memory retention necessary, so that call may be a sudden jolt, but still helpful.
Despite the implication that most, if not all, lack the responsibility to keep track of obligations, the reality is that the most common excuse given for not showing up is "I forgot." Of course, this can mean many different things depending on the context.
(1) I forgot because I made this appointment in a moment of crisis, but now the crisis is past. So I really don't want to deal with the stuff that caused the crisis, until the next time.
(2)I forgot because I realized it would cost something (the co-pay at least) and I don't have enough. Which is part of my problem to begin with.
(3) I forgot because I didn't want to make an appointment to begin with. But my mother/spouse/friend pressured me so I made the appointment just to shut 'em up.
(4) I forgot because it means I have to face my problems, and when I get this anxious and depressed I just ignore everything and expect it to go away. (Sort of a problem preventing its own solution.)
(5) I forgot because I tend to put everyone and everything else before myself. So not only does this mean I have to focus on me, it means I have to let all the other demands aside. And there is always another's need, another's problem that comes first.
(6) I forgot because I don't remember making the appointment to begin with. I called when I was high or drunk or just traumatized by the awful things that have happened.
There are other reasons/excuses, and each are quite serious and sincere. The spouse who makes the appointment for marital counseling but subsequently finds that it is futile to try to put Humpty-Dumpty together again. The client who is looking for a particular sort of therapist who can solve all problems quickly and easily. The one who waits until the marriage is almost burned down before agreeing that some improvements would be good.
Hence the reminders. My attitude is that the people who call are adults, responsible adults, and I will not infantilize them by chasing after them to make sure they show up for their appointments. Yes, it might mean some clients never do show, but I would rather that than having to pursue clients who make appointment after appointment, only to blow each of them off.
Still, it would be nice if people had better memories...
Despite the implication that most, if not all, lack the responsibility to keep track of obligations, the reality is that the most common excuse given for not showing up is "I forgot." Of course, this can mean many different things depending on the context.
(1) I forgot because I made this appointment in a moment of crisis, but now the crisis is past. So I really don't want to deal with the stuff that caused the crisis, until the next time.
(2)I forgot because I realized it would cost something (the co-pay at least) and I don't have enough. Which is part of my problem to begin with.
(3) I forgot because I didn't want to make an appointment to begin with. But my mother/spouse/friend pressured me so I made the appointment just to shut 'em up.
(4) I forgot because it means I have to face my problems, and when I get this anxious and depressed I just ignore everything and expect it to go away. (Sort of a problem preventing its own solution.)
(5) I forgot because I tend to put everyone and everything else before myself. So not only does this mean I have to focus on me, it means I have to let all the other demands aside. And there is always another's need, another's problem that comes first.
(6) I forgot because I don't remember making the appointment to begin with. I called when I was high or drunk or just traumatized by the awful things that have happened.
There are other reasons/excuses, and each are quite serious and sincere. The spouse who makes the appointment for marital counseling but subsequently finds that it is futile to try to put Humpty-Dumpty together again. The client who is looking for a particular sort of therapist who can solve all problems quickly and easily. The one who waits until the marriage is almost burned down before agreeing that some improvements would be good.
Hence the reminders. My attitude is that the people who call are adults, responsible adults, and I will not infantilize them by chasing after them to make sure they show up for their appointments. Yes, it might mean some clients never do show, but I would rather that than having to pursue clients who make appointment after appointment, only to blow each of them off.
Still, it would be nice if people had better memories...
Monday, July 9, 2012
No Help At All
He terminated therapy after several months of hit-and-miss appointments. Sure, in the beginning, he was always there, but as time went by, he would show up later and later. Or he would call at the last minute with some crisis preventing him from being there. (Once he called from a class which was running longer than he'd expected!) Finally he announced that he wouldn't come any more, as he felt the sessions were not helpful. Oh well, at least he came for an appointment to tell me...
It would seem obvious that not every therapist can help every client. People can be quite particular and even sophisticated in who and what they are looking for in a therapist. Some have had numerous therapists, and they are willing to move on if they feel the current one does not measure up. They may not be completely clear as to just what exactly they seek, but they seem quite sure if this therapist is not it.
And then there are those clients who come, not for themselves, but for someone else. The abusive alcoholic angry spouse or partner who is told (by the court if not the spouse): therapy or else! The grown child still living with parents who is pushed into therapy with the need to find out what he/she will be when grown-up. The couple coming with each expecting the solution lies in the other person changing.
Of course there is the financial aspect. People come because their employer tells them: you need help, and your job is on the line. They come under their Employee Assistance Plan, where they pay nothing for the sessions and obviously think it worth every penny.
And there is the religious issue. Because I am a pastoral psychotherapist, people come to me expecting something like they would get from their pastor. But even there, the spectrum is wide, from beating them over the head with the Bible to prayer and meditation. Yes, there are some clergy with the necessary skills to handle some short-term issues, and they know when to refer someone.
It is still a sense of loss on the therapist's part when help was not possible. As suggested above, that may have little to with the therapist. But a good therapist wants to help, and it does no good to realize intellectually that no one can help everyone.
Which doesn't stop you from trying!
It would seem obvious that not every therapist can help every client. People can be quite particular and even sophisticated in who and what they are looking for in a therapist. Some have had numerous therapists, and they are willing to move on if they feel the current one does not measure up. They may not be completely clear as to just what exactly they seek, but they seem quite sure if this therapist is not it.
And then there are those clients who come, not for themselves, but for someone else. The abusive alcoholic angry spouse or partner who is told (by the court if not the spouse): therapy or else! The grown child still living with parents who is pushed into therapy with the need to find out what he/she will be when grown-up. The couple coming with each expecting the solution lies in the other person changing.
Of course there is the financial aspect. People come because their employer tells them: you need help, and your job is on the line. They come under their Employee Assistance Plan, where they pay nothing for the sessions and obviously think it worth every penny.
And there is the religious issue. Because I am a pastoral psychotherapist, people come to me expecting something like they would get from their pastor. But even there, the spectrum is wide, from beating them over the head with the Bible to prayer and meditation. Yes, there are some clergy with the necessary skills to handle some short-term issues, and they know when to refer someone.
It is still a sense of loss on the therapist's part when help was not possible. As suggested above, that may have little to with the therapist. But a good therapist wants to help, and it does no good to realize intellectually that no one can help everyone.
Which doesn't stop you from trying!
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Troll
Troll: (1) (n) disruptive individual on a website, blog, chatroom who deliberately causes problems, writes insulting or otherwise inappropriate things.
(2)(n) fairy tale creature, dangerous, often found under bridges used by goats, especially of the gruff sort
(3)(v) to fish by running a fishing line behind a moving boat
(4)(v) to seek out companionship from another by moving from location to location at a party or bar
(5)(v) to move about constantly at a social gathering in an attempt to be sure everyone else is having a good time.
Now, boys and girls, for extra credit, can you tell me how this one word accumulated such dissimilar meanings?
I must admit, the last is totally new to me, courtesy of a client, and has the most disturbing implications (except that one about the terrible creature under the bridge, and then mostly if you're a goat). Why do we get caught up in the trap of thinking that others' happiness is our responsibility? Maybe if we were the host or hostess at some elaborate party, we might have some cause to be concerned that our guests were happy. But this is more about our need to have everything happening the way we want.
Sure, sometimes it has to do with the co-dependents' focus on another's happiness over their own. What we are talking about here, this variation on "trolling," is making sure our expectations are met; in a word: control.
When people do not show up at our events (regardless of reason/excuse), it becomes a personal rejection. When they do not enjoy/appreciate our efforts to have everything go well, we see it as our own failure. And the typical response is not to look for the causes (which might have nothing to do with us), but simply to double down on our efforts to make sure the same things go better next time!
The possibility that there might be nothing that could be done never occurs to us, is not acceptable to us.
Expectation is a cruel mistress, and we get stuck in a vicious circle: we set (unrealistic) goals, then feel a failure, so we set the bar higher for the next time. Only when we are able to accept what is, rather than what we expected to be, and enjoy the here and now, can we conquer the troll.
(2)(n) fairy tale creature, dangerous, often found under bridges used by goats, especially of the gruff sort
(3)(v) to fish by running a fishing line behind a moving boat
(4)(v) to seek out companionship from another by moving from location to location at a party or bar
(5)(v) to move about constantly at a social gathering in an attempt to be sure everyone else is having a good time.
Now, boys and girls, for extra credit, can you tell me how this one word accumulated such dissimilar meanings?
I must admit, the last is totally new to me, courtesy of a client, and has the most disturbing implications (except that one about the terrible creature under the bridge, and then mostly if you're a goat). Why do we get caught up in the trap of thinking that others' happiness is our responsibility? Maybe if we were the host or hostess at some elaborate party, we might have some cause to be concerned that our guests were happy. But this is more about our need to have everything happening the way we want.
Sure, sometimes it has to do with the co-dependents' focus on another's happiness over their own. What we are talking about here, this variation on "trolling," is making sure our expectations are met; in a word: control.
When people do not show up at our events (regardless of reason/excuse), it becomes a personal rejection. When they do not enjoy/appreciate our efforts to have everything go well, we see it as our own failure. And the typical response is not to look for the causes (which might have nothing to do with us), but simply to double down on our efforts to make sure the same things go better next time!
The possibility that there might be nothing that could be done never occurs to us, is not acceptable to us.
Expectation is a cruel mistress, and we get stuck in a vicious circle: we set (unrealistic) goals, then feel a failure, so we set the bar higher for the next time. Only when we are able to accept what is, rather than what we expected to be, and enjoy the here and now, can we conquer the troll.
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