How to Fight Fair

This is a continuation of sorts from the last, but if that doesn't leap immediately to mind (and why not!) that's okay (deep sigh!)
The paradox today is that we fight more and know less about fighting. We have this concept that conflict of any importance or magnitude requires total victory on our part and total humiliation, if not annihilation, on their part. The possibility that a person might be so secure in a sense of well-being that carving another notch on the gun isn't necessary, that is something alien to our current cultural standards. So when the president recognizes that our on-going wars in Afghanistan are meaningless and even futile, his efforts, however meager, to walk away, raise cries of "Where's the victory?" as though that had even been within reach.
Sorry, I got sidetracked. The subject here isn't fighting on a global scale, but in personal relationships (although the former tends to be the latter writ large.) Too often people come to me because they are in an on-going conflict where nothing is ever resolved and they don't know how to get out of this death spiral. Too often one member of a couple is out-going, vocal and only too ready to express feelings. The other person is quiet, withdrawn, even stoic. Oh, you know these people, do you?
So the script begins with some spark large or small that sets off an angry exposition of the issue on the part of Person No. 1. The response from Person No 2: uh, Person No. 2, are you there? No, going and watching television or going on a computer or going out drinking does not count as a response. In fact, it just causes an escalation with Person No. 1, who assumes that stating the case calmly and clearly (well, you know what I mean) hasn't worked, so repeat as often and as loudly as necessary. This causes further withdrawal and resentment by Person No. 2. Which in turn causes Person No. 1 to...well, you get the idea.
At this point there is a need for someone (discrete cough) to step in, take both people by their hands and show them how to fight.
No, we cannot pretend that there will never be some form of conflict. We can ignore the issues until things get to the point where both sides have dug in and things are too broke to fix. We can assume that peace and quiet is the same as peace. We can throw the whole out, baby, bathwater and all. We can spend the rest of our lives together being what I call "married singles," where each just goes on about their separate lives sharing a mailing address, a name and maybe the same bed, and nothing else.
So let me give you the Rules.
First, find a time and place where there will be no distractions or interruptions. Whether it be when other family is out of the house, or in bed, or chained in the basement (hey! I don't judge your parenting skills, okay?) make sure that neither is so preoccupied or giving so much mental energy to anyone outside the room. Turn off the cell phone! That's very important. (There would have been a time when you would have been told to take the phone off the hook, but plus ca change...) Of all modern noises, one of the most difficult to ignore is a phone. Also, turn off the IPod, the computer, the television. It will be there when you get done.
Second, know what you are fighting about. Make sure both of you are dealing with the same issue. In fact, make sure you know what the issue is. Right at the start, identify that issue, as clearly and concretely as possible. Otherwise, as Arthur Miller put it in one of his plays, you may not be fighting about what you're fighting about.
Then, stick to that subject. There will be other issues that come up, but bookmark them for future and stay on target. This will be tough, as there will be old stuff going way back that seem just too important (and importunate) to ignore, especially if one or the other  of you feels defensive and looks for anything to divert the argument.
Third, no hitting below the belt. In any relationship, each person knows the vulnerable spots in the other, and in the flush of combat, such chinks in the armor seem too hard to ignore. But calling on such just escalates the conflict and diminishes the discussion. Well, figure it out yourself: the person you are supposed to trust the most has just used that trust against you. Whaddya gonna do? Right.
And a side bar on this rule. Don't hit below the belt but don't wear the belt around your neck. We can rule so much out-of-bounds that nothing can be dealt with. Or one person dismisses the issue as no longer valid: it took place just long enough ago, or the person  had changed (no evidence of change, but never mind)or some sort of armistice had been declared on this subject. "I've moved on, what haven't you?"
Finally, don't expect a quick or easy resolution. It is all too easy once past that first anger to want to settle this quickly. Sure, some sort of peace treaty is advisable, but did you know how many wars are still unsettled. from conflicts with tribes of Native Americans to the Korean War; just cease-fires. Some questions, as the poet Rainer Maria Rilke put it, don't have answers; we just have to live the questions. In relationships, not all issues are settled the way they are on television- in half an hour to an hour, with time out for messages from our sponsor. Sometimes we have to accept each other, differences and all, and just learn to love the imperfection in another as we learn to love the imperfection in ourselves