Lets Talk

Almost consistently, when couples identify the primary issue they need to work on in marriage therapy, they focus on communication.Granted, they might mean  numerous things by that; one spouse might be overly quiet and the other seldom stops talking (I call this a marriage between a turtle and a skunk); one person is so intimidating and even abusive that the other finds silence to be safer; one spouse is so self-involved and introverted that the other spouse might say or do well-nigh anything and still be unheard. Yes, there are many variations. These few barely scratch the surface.
But they share one thing: they recognize a need for improved communication.
As anyone might guess, the main issue is the nature of the relationship. When a couple has conflicting ideas as to what communication should consist of, that usually proves to be but one of multiple conflicting ideas and expectations.Granted, once a couple has learned basic communication skills, the relationship benefits. BUT: this is not a magic wand. It is a tool to be used to fix the broken parts of the marriage.
(QUICK SIDE COMMENT: All of the above may be true in marriage, but it also applies in each and every serious relationship anyone might have.)
So, how should we talk? Communication,actually, should not just be talking. Listening plays a major role as well. And listening does not consist in just shutting up and waiting for one's turn to say something. Listening means completely focusing on the other and striving to make sure what the other person is saying. (As Arthur Miller once put it, "Make sure you're talking about what you're talking about.") Don't act as if each of you has to defend yourself, jumping in to say "what really happened." Try to hear the other person, not just the words.
And when each does talk, make sure to talk about personal stuff, not what the other person was supposed to have said or done. (Remember that sign in my office: "Never face the facts.") No finger pointing or blaming or garbage dumping. (DEFINITION : "Garbage dumping": Referring back to past actions or words in lieu of dealing with present issues; usually past hurts which should healed by now.)
How long should one continue at this? Despite the old axiom, "Don't let the sun go down on your anger," it is not advisable to stay up and try to work something out when both are tired, increasingly frustrated and likely to simply give up. Set a time and place to continue. Agree not to go back to the discussion until then. In the meantime, work to be as open and caring with one another as possible. In other words, no guerrilla relating.