I'll Only Tell You Kids Once!

First, my credentials: I have off-spring of my own. (They are of an age where it would be too condescending to call them "children" and too specific to limit them to "daughters.") So, yes, I have had experience being a parent. How good a parent, well...
The biggest issue I deal with in my practice is parent-child relationships. (Often, even with adults!) Many parents call me seeking a therapist with expertise in child psychology, or to make an appointment for a son or daughter, or help dealing with the impact of an out-of-control child. The problem came be as simple (!) as an adolescent who is behaving, well, like a teenager, or it can be as serious as a youngster who has some form of physical/emotional handicap. Whatever the precipitating crisis might be, the desire is the same: fix my kid!
Too often the problem stems from confusion over proper limits; sometimes one parent is very strict and the other parent very accepting. They cannot agree on the rules nor how one plays this game. And when there is only one parent involved due to divorce, death or distraction, then the problem becomes even greater; mom (it usually is mom) has to cover all the bases as well as umpire the game (sorry for all the baseball references, I have been watching the play-offs.)
It may seem simplistic, but here is a formula for dealing with discipline that may help. First, determine the absolutes. What are the laws of the land that must be followed? Too often, we parents have so many rules that the child can't keep track; it seems arbitrary and autocratic (which it might be in fact.) So the kid either gives up or becomes defiant. Guess which is most likely? So the best way we can avoid either keeping track of an ever-changing list or carrying on a familial guerrilla war is to narrow down what we expect.  These should be rules that both parents agree upon. Kids catch on very quickly which parent will tolerate what, if there is this division.
Make these rules as specific and concrete as possible: "clean up your room" is too general. Make your bed. Pick up your clothes. Vacuum regularly. The parent decides. And make it age-appropriate: an elementary-schooler cannot do quite as much as a teen-ager, nor should. Such rules need to be re-evaluated and re-negotiated regularly, so the child takes on responsibility as time goes by (as versus the other, commoner scenario where the parents give up or take on more and more themselves.)
And, in a crucial part of the discussion, what are the penalties if the child does not do these basic tasks? This is tricky, as modern parents tend to have very short attention spans. Being grounded for a week lasts until that night. Losing privileges is even trickier, as they need that computer for homework, and how does reach one's children if they do not have access to their cell-phones? Try to make it appropriate ("let the punishment fit the crime," remember?) and not overly severe. Just because the parent is angry, the child should not come away from a major infringement of the rules feeling treated unfairly.
As I said, this may simplistic and too easy. All I can say is, try it and see!